IDHAR UDHAR KI BAAT 147 — MY REGIMENTAL FACE Brig PS Gothra (Retd.)
I was expecting him to read out the charge against me. The unexpected question stunned me for a second and then I answered.
“The Madras Regiment, Sir.”
He smiled. “Good. The troops will be happy to see a Kala Khalsa. Now get lost.”
I saluted and happily bolted out.
Three years later, I asked my buddy Ismail, “Nivea cream le aana.”
He gave me a strange look.
That evening, instead of Nivea, I found a tube of Fair & Lovely sitting proudly on my dressing table”.
Perhaps Ismail knew something I didn't.
My self-esteem had already taken a small beating the previous day. Returning from temporary duty, I had stopped at a restaurant for a meal.
The manager promptly sent me two steaming towels.
I was impressed by the hospitality—until I noticed that everybody else had been given only one.
Apparently, one had not been considered adequate for me.
That evening, I examined the Fair & Lovely. The name itself was reassuring. Fair. And Lovely. I applied a little. Then a little more.
And suddenly, dil ke armaan jaag uthe. What if it actually worked? Perhaps by morning I would become a shade fairer. A few more applications and who knew where this could lead?
Salman Khan's Maine Pyar Kiya had recently made him the heart-throb of the country. I looked into the mirror. Competition is always healthy.
My mother would be delighted. She occasionally appeared to regard marrying my dark-complexioned father as a minor error in genetic planning—and my complexion as the evidence.”
That night I slept particularly well. In my dreams, my mother looked at me and gasped.
“Tu?”
I smiled modestly.
Somewhere, even Salman Khan looked worried.
In the morning, I was late for PT and had no time to examine the overnight transformation. I changed and rushed out.
During the run, however, I noticed something unusual. One jawan looked at me. Then another. Someone even smiled.
It was working.
By now there was little doubt.
Fair & Lovely had delivered overnight.
By the second round, I was no longer running.
I was floating.
A jawan running alongside grinned.
“Saab…”
“Yes?”
I prepared myself for the compliment.
“Saab, chhutti jaana hai.”
“Office mein baat karenge.”
After PT, I went straight to my room and stood before the mirror.
I examined the evidence carefully. Same forehead. Same nose. Same face. And—exactly the same complexion.
There stood before me a very handsome idiot who had undergone absolutely no change in colour.
Ismail appeared at the door. I pointed accusingly at the tube. “Yeh kyun laye ho?”
He looked surprised. “Saab, Nivea kyun? Fair & Lovely achha hai.”
“Tum lagate ho?”
He smiled.
“Saab, Madras Regiment mein CSD se yahi bikta hai.”
That explained everything.
Over the years, I discovered that Fair & Lovely was indeed quite popular amongst some of our troops. Whether it ever made anyone gora, I cannot certify.
But I can certify another remarkable quality.
It could make you feel fair without making you any fairer.
All it required was a tube, a mirror, a little imagination—and preferably going to sleep immediately after application. Perhaps that was its real magic.
Some creams work on the skin.
Some work on the imagination.
“For one night, I had become fair enough to give Salman Khan some competition and make my mother reconsider the laws of genetics.”
I looked once more into the mirror and remembered Major Sabarwal's words.
The Kala Khalsa was still very much there. Fair & Lovely had done its best.
But the face remained stubbornly regimental.
Jai Hind.
Note- Sorry no 'Lady's Eyebrows' as promised in previous Episode. The censor feels it requires drastic mellowing down. Maybe next episode.
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