Idhar Udhar Ki Baat

  As the court convened, the Principal Judge said, “ Brigadier , yesterday you promised us something about padding .”     “Yes, My Lord. I did. But I have decided not to tell that story. A lady heard about it and objected rather violently. She said it does not behove a retired Brigadier to tell sexist stories.”      Justice Ladyfinger shook her head. “This is 2047. Who is this regressive lady? If you remove all that, your stories will become insipid.”      “So today, instead of padding, I will tell you about deception . In September 2044, after its Defence Acquisition Planning Conference, the Republic of Kaddu announced that it was acquiring S-800 air-defence systems .”      The Defence Minister interrupted. “So what? We had the superior S-900 .”     “Exactly, Minister. You had the S-900. You also had nearly five times as many systems as Republic of Kaddu.”     Coconut leaned forward. “Then ho...

  “You may begin, Brigadier,” said the Presiding Judge. “Do you really believe they lack strategic thinking ? ” “Not at all, My Lord. Your military officers and bureaucrats are probably among the brightest young people in the country when they enter service. They are the chosen ones.” “Then what goes wrong?” “They forget   the objective. ” “Explain.” “Perhaps an anecdote will help. In 1984 about 63 years ago, I appeared for an entrance examination at a mass communication institute in the capital of my country New Delhi . Unfortunately, my seat was surrounded by young ladies wearing mini-skirts. I knew all the answers. Instead, I spent my time helping the girls around me. Naturally I failed.” The courtroom laughed. “A few years later, I found myself sitting in an ambush at midnight. The ground was wet. Mosquitoes were biting   and some ambitious insect had started crawling up my underwear. I couldn't even move to remove it without compromising the ambush.” ...

The Presiding Judge said, “Brigadier, you may continue.” “My Lord, Helen, Julia Roberts and Madhubala were known for thinner eyebrows. Pamela Anderson, Deepika Padukone and Alia Bhatt have, at different times, carried bolder eyebrows. All were considered exceptionally beautiful women. The problem is that millions of women copied whatever eyebrow style happened to be fashionable. A particular eyebrow may look wonderful on one face and ridiculous on another.” Justice Ladyfinger instinctively touched her own eyebrows. “Today,” I continued, “ AI can even help you. The principle is simple: first understand your face. Then choose your eyebrows.” The Presiding Judge looked irritated. “Brigadier, stick to warfare.” “That, My Lord, is warfare. Force structuring is exactly like eyebrows. You created three Integrated Theatre Commands in 2032.” “Yes. After years of deliberation,” said the Defence Minister. “Precisely. By the time you implemented the answer, the question had c...

“It is a matter of shame for our Regiment. The CO should be hanged,” a regimental friend said over the phone, breaking the news about the theft of weapons from the kote of 20 MADRAS . “Hmm,” was all I could manage. My thoughts were with the Commanding Officer. His battalion was reportedly away for field firing , and he must have been rushing back to the unit rear. Everyone in the hierarchy would want to know what had happened. And then there would be people like me—who could do a fig about it but might still ring to remain abreast of the situation .  As my friend continued, I remembered one of my own fuck-ups . In March 2006, while I was commanding a Rashtriya Rifles Battalion , an AK rifle went missing from one of my companies. We searched for hours but finally informed higher headquarters. All hell broke loose. For the next few hours, I received some of the finest gaalis available in the military vocabulary. Between the instalments of gaalis, I asked three of...