IDHAR UDHAR KI BAAT -56 LITERARY SKILLS

 IDHAR UDHAR KI BAAT -56 LITERARY SKILLS

 Brig PS Gothra (Retd)

"Where have you picked up writing fiction?" Asked a graceful lady at the party.

As I was doing my soul searching to recall my writing experiences in fauj, another gentleman came and praised the beautiful gown worn by the lady. I was happy that I didn’t have to answer her question. As the conversation about the gown progressed, I moved towards the bar and started having my rum.  Colonel X, came to the bar and seeing the dark colour of my drink said, “khichhi ja (have the liquor to your heart’s delight).” I just smiled and started thinking about what he said. Probably he thinks I am a heavy drinker. The word khichh in Punjabi means to pull. But it is used very loosely in different contexts. If a man is wiping his mouth and munching then he probably has khichh ditta( he has had his food). Whereas if you see a person is washing his hands in the morning he has probably khichh ditta(relieved himself). A person has a spade in his hand and says khichh ditta (he has done the digging). And a student coming out of the examination centre says khichh ditta (he has done well in the exam). As I was thinking more of this, Colonel X  said, “Indri piya karo (have Indri whisky), I am sure you can afford it.”

I just smiled, and thanked him for the advice. Colonel X has done three courses with me and it was proven beyond doubt that if there is any argument going on between two officers, one of them will be Colonel X. I didn’t want to give him cerebral nourishment at my cost. So I moved to another secluded corner to reflect on my writing experiences.  

The first time I was tasked to write a court of inquiry on the loss of an Identity Card. I approached a senior for guidance. He said, “You must first decide whether you want to prove the person guilty or not guilty. Accordingly, you write the statements, add appendices, write the findings, and give recommendations.”

“But sir the purpose of the court of inquiry is to find whether the person is guilty. Here I am taking the end-result first and then writing. Is it fair?” I asked.

The senior didn’t like my question. He took out some papers from his cupboard, gave it to me and said, “these are some sample court of inquiries, read these and you will be able to complete the task at hand.

My next tryst with writing was, when I was made an officiating camp commandant in the brigade at two years of service. The brigade commander wanted radial tyres for his car. The DQ asked me to write a statement of the case. I was awed by the name of the document. But after some searching around, I found that in this document you write the same thing five times and it becomes a pakki justification for the item. So, I wrote that the commander is a big officer hence his car needs radial tyres to increase his comfort. When I took this to the DQ, he shredded the document, gave me a cup of tea, and explained the process of going in for local purchase of tyres. I had to only justify that the previous set of tyres have worn out through fair wear and tear. It took me ten days to draft the lies but at last we were able to get the radial tyres.

Fortunately, that DQ was one of the instructors in the pre-staff which I attended. He made an extra effort to come to my room. He explained that if I write the answers to the questions as per my thought process, I will fail. I should go by the convention (pinks). I succeeded in the exam. But in the Staff college they found me to be the odd man out. In my pen picture they wrote, “His tactics shook the foundation of the DSSC.”

Now I was P Sc, so the Initiating officer (IO) writing my yearly confidential report, wrote the pen picture which was totally fictitious. This depicts that I am the best officer on the planet earth. Fortunately, I didn’t say a word about it to my wife.  Otherwise in some party she would have told my IO, “Colonel XXX, kitna jhoot bol lete ho aap (Colonel you are good at telling lies).” These are some of the hazards of marrying a teacher.

As I was moving in the party, I could hear the wife of some newly overlooked nau numberi. She was loudly cribbing about the organisation being unfair to her highly capable husband. I was wondering if her husband must have proudly disclosed his over-assessed reports and the fictitious pen pictures to her. Maybe, the lady didn’t know that there are reviewing officers (RO) and senior reviewing officers (SRO) to even out things. Or maybe there also the officer must have been telling his wife, “aaj mere RO/ SRO nein mujhe very good bola (today my RO / SRO said ‘good’ to me).”

I moved to the bar for another drink and there I met a well-wisher Colonel Z. He saved me when I wrote my first after-action report. After reading the draft he had said, "You better amend it to make it more palatable. With these facts listed here, they may have to order a court of inquiry to look into your fiascos." After a long debate I decided to write a beautiful after-action report. The regret is that it was beautiful but not useful.  

As I started moving towards a course mate standing on the far end, the graceful lady stood in front of me to say, “You didn’t answer me?”

I hesitated and answered, “Ma'am fauj teaches you to write.” I could see the dilemma in her eyes. I knew today she will tell her husband, “Aap ne to fauj mein golf ke ilawa kuchh seekha hi nahin (you have learnt nothing in fauj except golf).”

 

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